Have Faith, Do not Believe

A friend of mine told me that he hopes I can get out of this place I am in and that he sends me a lot of love. Another one keeps reaching out to me with every opportunity he can find for me. They both see me exactly how I've described myself to them. In a bad place. Struggling to make ends meet. Feeling shitty about myself. Hating my job, struggling with the basic day to day. I told the former that I am feeling the need to be extremely hard on myself. That I feel guys are naturally endowed with the tools they need to better themselves through the hardships of life. 

I was feeling inspired by David Goggins. More than that, I was feeling inspired by what Huberman said about the man when he studied his mind in the lab. He said that David has tapped into some biological secret that no one else has realized. He has a direct association of fear, of the fight or flight response in his brain, to activity. Whenever we are confronted with fear, anxiety, discomfort, pain, hardship, and, most importantly, danger, we all freeze up or start thinking. We are filled with indecision and if nothing else, we wish to run away.

Whereas Goggins, his automatic response is to face the fear. To dive headfirst into the danger that threatens his very existence. There is something incredibly beautiful about that man, and this mentality, nay, way of life. A true warrior to the core. Another friend of mine sent me a great video yesterday by Kurzgesagt about the cure to dissatisfaction, a video about gratitude. It made me think of how I can use it for my book.

My book. I heard a song called Say Something by Timberland a few days ago. "Maybe I'm looking fo something that I can't have... Caught up in the rhythm of it" 

I do humbly wish to be free from the idea of a relationship for a few years at least. Until every time I think about it doesn't make me depressed or feeling hopeless, or even worse, desperate. I want to free my mind from this intense longing. I am happy that I have many friends and I do not wish to cut them off. At the same time, I am starting t feel a bit lonely in their presence. I'm starting to feel like I want to be different from them again, a familiar feeling from my childhood.

On one hand, I want to isolate myself and keep my head down. I want to keep working until I feel like I have some room to breathe, some extra time. I want to keep going with what I am doing and keep saving up my cash, I want to keep improving my lifestyle the way I am. For days, weeks, months, years, maybe a decade or two. After I feel like my work, my job that pays me now, is something I can manage, once I feel like I have it under control, I want to get started on my projects again.

My book. My story. My blog. The things I want to bring out into this world. When push comes to shove, if I had to make a choice, I would choose my dreams over these people any day of the week. I know that these are not my people. Not the way I am, and not the way they are. 

Yet, on the other hand, I still feel the need to reach out and talk to them every day. At least one person a day. There was a time when I truly was completely alone, just as I feel like occasionally, I used to feel it ten times more all the time. It was an inescapable pit of doom, a sinking sense of hopeless suffocation.

At the end of the day, me writing here is just a consolation. A proof to myself that I can write for myself. That I can create for the sake of creation, that I can bring all the wild ideas, dreams, and visions in my head out into reality, starting with a piece of paper. As wrong and desperate, regretful, and horrible as I feel, as hopeless and useless as it may seem to resist the reality of my situation, I choose to believe that I am on the right path for me. I truly believe that I can make this the right path. 

Food is one of the toughest niches to break into. Blogging is oversaturated and it is harder than ever to make money online. Affiliate marketing is dying, the earth is suffering, everything is changing. The climate crisis is at our door and we think twice before doing anything. Everything seems fucked and hopeless. Who would order a knife from my dropshipping store under these conditions? How many people would care about what I am doing or saying? How can a new website that starts today compete with the likes of Forbes or The Spruce Eats? How can I expect to break into something and profit and live the life of my dreams if I keep sitting on the sidelines forever? How can there be any assurance at all of my actually succeeding or even benefiting at all from making an attempt at this insane thing I am trying to do? How can I ever hope to achieve it?

This is the reality of my situation. I refuse to run away from it. All these questions with no concrete answers. Yet, isn't that exactly why I must do it? Isn't that exactly why I want to cancel all future holidays and save up to invest in this hopeless pipe dream? 

A few days ago, I found myself thinking, "If only I had studied harder in school. If only I had listened more to other people and really applied myself, perhaps I would be a different person, perhaps I would actually be of use to other people. Even people in America are struggling to make a living. Even people in Japan are living a life full of suffering. hopelessness, and uncertainty. How is it that everything seems so wrong? Why is it that everything feels hopeless?" 

I caught myself in that moment and snapped out of it. There was nobody who listened to others more than I did. I had always wanted to do things differently because the set path bored me. I wanted to be the exception. I read what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted it. That is who I am. All this scary stuff that I feel so strongly about? That is my mission. The dreams that scare the living hell out of me? My destiny. 

There never was anything else, there never could have been, and there never shall be. Everything else is just noise. Polluting my life and my mind with an endless stream of distractions. The devil himself trying to keep me in line, docile like the masses, submissive, just how he likes it. 

God might be a woman, but the devil is a man, or so I had thought. As it turns out, God is an asexual trans, and the devil is a woman. That's how it should be for me, after all. Women are all nice and fine as fellow human beings, as friends and subordinates, but romantic relationships and sexual pleasure will be the death of me. 

The latter friend of mine from the beginning, he told me not to think in terms of extremes or hard absolutes. I'm afraid I will have to disagree with anyone and everyone who disagrees with what I want to do. There comes a time in each person's life when it's sink or swim, live or die, fight or flight. In this case, if I continue as I was, I will have to kill my dreams, the hopeful adolescent who dared to be different. And if I change, I will kill a huge part of what has allowed this adolescent to survive, perhaps even a lot of the joyful child that dwells deeper.

I am so far away from my dreams and too intelligent to fool myself into thinking I actually have a chance to achieve the level of intelligence, know-how, strength of will, discipline, courage, and articulation that will be required of me. 

Yet I cannot deny the limits of my intelligence, and in fact, hope that I am wrong while I make this attempt. To truly believe in myself, I have to deny my own limits. To truly believe in myself in the colloquial sense, I have to deny my own judgment. Throw out all common sense and muster up some real courage, true courage in its highest form. In this new light, the term believe in yourself isn't accurate at all, is it? It's a leap of faith. I am required to have faith in myself.

The devout ones insist that you don't have to carry such a burden, that it is in fact the highest form of hubris that makes you suffer. It is God. G-O-D. He is the almighty power that moves through you. While I appreciate the concern and I really do see the value in this perspective, I'd have to disagree. I thought Jesus was all about voluntary self-sacrifice of the most extreme kind. How can you have true faith if you know in your heart that your God will save you? How can you truly sacrifice unless you are fully attached? What's the fun of life if I can't even fully play the part that I have been given? So, what? All that matters is the actions and choices of the director? The actors just do what they are told? Do they not contribute to the final product?

I have chosen my hill, and I am willing to die on it. Am I to take pleasure in my pain? No, I must admit I am no masochist, I'd rather not feel all that unpleasantness. But I must admit, there is a real attraction to the man who is unbreakable. I cannot help but want to be him. And for that, there is an incredibly unbelievably deep, sharp, and crushing amount of pain. For that, I must be alone. 

That is all.