I am Pathetic

I've done it again. I've destroyed myself. Everytime I scrape and crawl my way out of the hell that is my life, I just jump right back in again. Every single time I create some room to breathe, enduring pain and difficultly, paying with blood, sweat, and tears, I let my guard down and think I can revisit my demons without any consequence. Each time, I lose time. Time that I will never get back again. With that time goes away more and more confidence. And my doubt grows. My dreams slip away. 

I hate myself. I am an utterly irredeemable piece shit. An anchor that weights down this world and a disappointment to those around me. I am garbage in human form. There is no joy that is waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. No love that I deserve. I am but a filthy fucking prisoner living in hellish existence. My only role is to serve my sentence and take my punishment, before I disappear into nothingness.

My dreams? I am unworthy. My ambitions? I am incapable. How did I ever imagine that I could go toe to toe against the best storytellers on this planet? Hubris. Just another part of my curse. A cuse that I inflicted upon myself. One that I chose to fall into. I am indeed the most disgustingly dispicable person I have ever known. There is no redemption for one like me. There is only punishment. Only pain, anger, sadness, hopelessness, powerlessness, tragedy, loss, grief, and suffering.

I am not a blessed one. I am a curse that should stay away from others. A cancer that must be killed off. A pathogen that's worse than a parasite. A disgusting insect in human form. A Shameless, selfish, glutton. A prideful, ignorant, useless, piece of meat. A weak, impotent, incompetent, idiotic, annoying, smelly, buzzkill. I don't even deserve the mercy that is death.

The only thing that remains for me is to suffer an excruciating pain reserved only for feral dogs. All I deserve is to suck air and hurt and hope that I can make up for even one percent of the damage I have caused before I kick the bucket.

Nothing else remains. Let me be alone, it's better for everyone else. Let me stay poor, I don't deserve nice things. Let me get sick and suffer and be a slave to everyone around me, for that is the only thing I am capable of. 

Cut out the part of me that wants to believe. Abandon my dreams and bullshit ideals. There is nothing on earth that can save me from the humiliation that is coming my way. I don't deserve to call myself human, and I'm certainly unworthy of feeling sorry for myself. I deserve to be abused, spit on, defecated upon, and burned at the stake.

There is nothing else that I look forward to more. Please free me from my light and engulf me in the shadows. It's time to go back to where I belong. 

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