All That You Need

I really did have quite a breakthrough yesterday. As I was going to sleep and thinking about what I had written here, I realized how deeply my life had been shaped by my curiosity. Most, if not all, of my major decisions were motivated by that sole desire to know more and see clearly. The clarity brought with it peace and acceptance. I was able to embrace myself and evertyhing that I have become. For a little while, everything seemed to make sense. Of course, that doesn't mean that I didn't have any other driving forces.

I've had quite a mixed bag, but the curiosity felt like the strongest and purest one of them all. It made me feel more like myself than all the others combined. I thought it was rather beautiful. The realization definitely made it easier for me to accept a lot of things, but it didn't change much of what I have to do. All that needs to be done, still remains, waiting to be discovered. I have embraced my current reality by making peace with my past choices. I have accepted all the times I have followed my curiosity and all that came with it. 

Now, I must embrace the same in the present moment. There are many things I am still curious about. So much about mysefl remains undiscovered. I accept the need to know myself even more fully. I can't wait to go further and try more. Do all the things that still remain. A lot of things remain unchanged. I must still discover the joys of being disciplined for extended periods of time. It starts right now and goes on into the far future. I must wake up a little earlier and learn to do things by myself. I must be a lot more disciplined and control my urges.

This is indeed a crutial moment. Every day is, in that sense. A new day brings with it endless adventure in the form of challenges that await me. I will be learning how to stick to things for a long time. being motivated internally, while still being flexible and ope to new things. What an insane concept! Can it be done? It doesn't matter because the whole point is to find out! How exciting! I get to experience it with my own two eyes, my mind, heart, and soul. I will have to go months without speaking to loved ones perhaps, and make even newer acquantices. 

Who knows what's in store, but I can't wait to find out! I will have to take things painstakingly slow, but I will have to avoid digressing. I must stay on my path, as slow as it may be. I might still fail, and that's totally okay. The point is the see what's different. I've never experienced the kind of hunger I have been recently. Is it the curse of the hapless drug addict? Or just another part of the process? How exciting! I have been getting fatter and more unhealthier. Is that just a product of the environment? Can I have no say in it? I can't wait to find out!

When will I know, one way or another? Just like everytime before, I'll know it when I see it! When I feel it, hear it, and smell it. I always know when it's in front of me, or around me. I sense that it's pretty close. I imagine I have to build a system again. One that I have to subject myself to. I must submit myself to it and give over absolute control. There is no real way I could do it myself, or is it? Let's see what happens. What will be the result of writing here everyday for years on end? I can't wait to find out. Indeed I feel more like myself than I have for years.

It's like a blinding light has been unlocked deep within, illuminating every single dark crevice of negativity that was there before. I can see things more clearly than ever before. I cannot stop myself from falling further into degeneracy, can I even pull myself out at this point? Isn't it crazy that we get to find out? At this point, I don't think its possible. How lucky can I be, that I get to test it out anyway? Now that I see things more clearly, I see what is required of me as well. O must honor this golden opportunity to the best of my ability.

It's not fair to take this amazing opportunity for granted. I have the chance of a lifetime here. Never to late till its over, they say. I say, the higher the stakes, the better. Can you imagine if I foresaw this and set myself up for such an exciting challenge? How else can I be so lucky? That's an insane thought for another day. This isn't boring at all, far from it. To fast when I feel this hungry. To breathe with a chest so tight. To read and write with a slow mind and a dumb constitution. What more can a guy ask for?

It's all there in front of me, waiting to be conquered. Never before have I felt this kind of eager anticipation for the days to come. Usual days that seem uneventful on the surface. That's what my joyous heart had looked out for, all these years. Everyone knows that vacations are fun, and that life is shit in a city. But can you make it work anyway? Can you truly create your own happiness? It's all so clear to me now, this is what I had always meant to do. 

Those are all the questions I have been asking questions to. Can a fat lazy loser really turn himself around by making a decision? Can a person who is addicted, really pull themselves out of a downward spiral? It's all right there, waiting to be picked up. I feel it even now. The sliver linings around each dark cloud. The weaknesses in every demon. The endless possibilities and wonder that lie in every single second around me. One day, I hope to sare these visons with the world. That will be a discovery in itself. A day far far away in the distant future. One with a different set of challenges, for a new time, and a new me. 

Yet today, today I have the priceless precious privilege of enjoying it all for myself. Today, I have the honor of living it myself. What more could a guy ask for? It finally seems like all is right in the world. It finally looks like I have understoond something fundamental to myself. The benefits of writing here every day are abundantly clear to me. My heart had sensed it while I was doing it. You can't see it, and I can't explain it, but this is the way. I knew that intuitively. 

Is it a form of self-hypnosis? Is it repetition until assimilation? Am I faking it till I make? Quite the contrary. Is it a form of self-therapy? Am I assimilating my own thoughts when I write them down like this? Or is it the simple act of showing up every day and going through the motions that activates some deep primal potential? Am I creating my self as I observe myself? Or am I doing something consciously and artificially? Like a robot acting on pre defined programming. Like dominos falling one after another.

It feels a lot like leaning into myself and trusting myself in the highest sense. It looks like falling into the natural power of my being, tapping into some inherent power within the reach of all living things. Is this the secret preiciple of will? Does it indicate to the principle of my own strength? All of those things seem at least a bit true to some extent. The latter ones more than the the former, perhaps. I take no pride in discovery. I think that's what I love about it the most. It fills you with such unbrindled joy and wonder. 

The aweinspiring wonders of the universe do not make people feel small at all, at least I don't think so. It makes them forget about their selves in the first place. Perhaps it even fills them with relief and makes them feel more comfortable and at home than anything else. that is the joy of discovery. It's what I live for and what gets me out of bed in the morning. It keeps me up at night and also puts me to sleep, as I am eagerly awaiting what might come visit me in the next dream. 

What more reason could I have for sticking around? None that I need. The highest calling is one that we are all born with. Our greatest mission already lies within us. No matter who or what you may be, there are some things that are common to all forms of life. Just as we all want to fuck, need to eat, and have to shit. Just as water is the basic necessity of life. Every creature is also endowed with the power of will. The other side of the wretched coin. The flaming sword of light, behind the dark schythe of death. The Yin to each Yang.