Half Finished

I failed a lot in the past week. I failed to do any work on Sunday. I failed to exercise and eat right. I failed to sleep properly at the right times. I failed to be present and face my demons. I failed to stay away from the worldly pleasures of the flesh. I also failed to write these essential bare-minimum entries that constantly make me feel like I am progressing toward my dreams of being a professional creative artist person. 

Did I fail after trying my best or did I simply allow myself to fail and give into despair? The answer seems obvious to me. I tried and tried and tried, but it just didn't stick. Then, one day, I could try no more. This was Saturday, to be precise. I ran away from my problems, unable to stay grounded and present, unable to control my mind and emotions. 

Remembering the other times of my life in which I did perform, things became clearer and clearer. As did I become increasingly miserable. I felt powerless and spiraled out of control. Finally, I hit the lowest of lows, a brand-new rock bottom. Always surprised to find those. Unable to see a way out, unable to do anything else, I called Miss Sheiana Fernades. A beautiful person who warmed my heart and gave me hope.

She is a junior of mine from college who lives in Dubai (unfortunately for her, that place is as miserable of a desert as the one I currently reside in), and we started talking online. I love how honest and friendly she is. A sweet, good-hearted person. After a long time, I found someone worth befriending. It's so rare to meaningfully connect with people who actually add value to your life. It's so rare to need someone who seems to need you as well.

We all need to rely on each other, that much is clear as day. Yet things don't always work out, and we all end up alone every now and then. For her, I am eternally grateful. We bonded about our shared experiences in the industry, and I told her about my demons. To my surprise, she told me about hers. I don't think that's ever happened to me before. Never before did I share my vulnerabilities with another person and find real comfort in it. Never before did I share my troubles with someone and not end up regretting it.

I never want to let go of this brand-new friendship. A person is defined by their actions, but their actions are mostly the product of their environment. Being a creator of your world is a useful fiction, but it's a lie nonetheless. A comforting illusion, or perhaps a half-truth. That says something about the future, I suppose. We cannot create our reality, but with time, effort, and a mind that's ready to learn, we can influence our future. 

We can nudge it in the right direction. I failed myself in many ways the past week, but I do not really exist in the first place. My self is just another lie, a powerful illusion conjured up by the life within me. Made to help me shape my future to the best of its abilities. I am what I do, but I can only nudge myself so much without any external support. Even the most highly evolved creatures, the pinnacle of life's wonders, can wither away and die in hostile environments.

The best we can do is try to build a good environment, a nurturing place that leads to a better future. This is also pretty much impossible to do on your own, just as I found out. Just as no plant can grow without a place to dig its roots, no human can survive without another to acknowledge its existence. In the modern world, to be seen and understood is a need far greater than food or water. It is as essential as clean air. Both of them allow you to breathe. You cannot function without them.

Yet, the mind is not a lifeless tool waiting to fulfill its purpose. And life is not an episode of Fairy Tail. There is no real joy in the monotony of absolute detachment. Living a full life entails getting your hands dirty and struggling your heart out. Slipping, falling, hurting, and crawling. Growing stronger from surviving failure, not by overcoming it. Let the harsh realities strike your being like a steel-edged whip. 

Let the wounds seep with blood and ooze as they yearn to breathe and settle down before they can even begin to heal. Even after healing, you will never be the same, whether that's a gift or a curse is up to you. The dealer's choice, you could say. When contemplating what had gone wrong in hopes of avoiding it in the future, my mind came up with some truly excellent and remarkable points.

Focus on solutions, not problems. Don't be in your head too much, and just focus on doing. Identify yourself as someone who gets up more than they fall down, above anything else. The end of every day is a new beginning. Leave behind what's gone, and look forward to another new beginning. 

Yet, the main causes of my problems were pretty much out of my control. I think that's a big thing that we have to recognize when dealing with the broken ones. They are probably broken for good reason. It's incredibly foolhardy to assume that they are just sabotaging themselves and being their own worst enemies. It's outright wrong to say that you can always do something and that there's always a choice. 

But it doesn't help to just sit around without hope, either. There might not be anything you can do to fix some of the biggest problems in your life, but maybe there's something else you can do. Also, have you tried not doing anything at all? Or just engaging in doing the wrong thing with more awareness? That last part is the best thing you can do in such situations. When you can't do anything, just try to keep an eye out. 

With time, opportunities will arise. And if you've kept your eyes open, it will allow you to nudge yourself in a better direction. It will let you to contribute to a better future for yourself. Sometimes you have to get overly involved and feel the pain. Even the greatest game ever made has its own set of frustrations. In fact, the greater the game, the greater the suffering that goeswith it.

That was the second part of my realization from last week. I need to start facing my challenges head-on and learn to do better. I need to grow stronger and stand up to difficulties. I know what I need to do. For now, it's clear that I need to write and earn money. I have a couple of projects that are paying me, I just need to buckle up and put my head down. I need to discipline myself and get it all done. As long as I can deliver on what these guys want, I can get paid. As long as I get paid, I can save up. If I save up enough, I can invest it in my own projects. That seems to be the way for me.

To save up, I need to stop spending. I need a healthier lifestyle that facilitates that. To that end I'm trying different techniques. I've built upon one failure after another, and slowly moving toward that goal. But there seems to be somethings holding me back. There also is a crippling fear of failure. A fear of doing too much and falling down. The fear of falling so far behind that I become irredeemable. Very real and valid fears. 

The truth is, there is no guarantees. I can fall down and fail a million times more. Again and again. I might fail for this reason or that. I might never make it back. I need a bit of luck and grit. I kind of need all of it. Slow and steady wins the race. The smallest actions ahev the biggest effects. Whatever is grows. I shall try my best, again and again. How many of these things are full of empty, hollow words? Me trying to convine myself of something I'm not.

Trying to hypnotize myself into believing something new. Hyping myself up so much. Are these not the actions of a hopeless madman? Wouldn't my time be served better with something else? All of that, I do not know. I simply do what I feel I must. Nothing more, nothing less.