My Guiding Light

I went with Shiv and Pria to Jhalana today. We met in the morning and had an amicable meeting. We talked like friends about nothing in particular. I told myself I'll work today, I told him I was sick. I'll focus on doing TTV, I thought. I also started to practice the harmonica, a few minutes every day. The diet, the exercise, the yoga. The sleep, the hydration, and the meditation. All of it is rising up to the surface like ghouls.

I need to keep my mind empty and stay focused on what's ahead. A perilous path full of trials and tribulations. A line of work that demands the highest of me. Do I have what it takes? A part of me wants to run away, and that's precisley why I cannot. I named the last entry as "Half Finished" because I knew I had forgotten some important point I wanted to convey. It's coming back to me now, slowly. Although, to be fair, I don't actually remember if I've covered it or not.

Anyway, I've found that my life is full of contradictions. A jumble of paradoxes that bleed into each other and roll ever so violently along the hill, like a demonic snowball hurling itself onward. On one hand, I want to do the most extreme kind of nothingness, a destructive level of unproductivity. On the other, I wish to become the best in the world. It always seemed to me like I was being haunted by the same thing. That what I really needed to learn was to do nothing and just exist.

Except that I found that to be dreadfully boring. You get too invested and start to suffer deeply. So you aim to become more detached. But when you become more detached, you become bored, and aim to involve yourself. This is the fate of the diplomat. The humpty dumpty who sat on the fence, ill-fated to fall and break apart into pieces. I reckon that the biggest achievement of my life will be to slow down and do nothing.

What a monster I have become. Always aching to devour the next thing. I take such pleasure in it, I wonder if I can ever find any real salvation. Perhaps one day, when I'm dead. That is the final relevation of today. I do things that I know will cause me to suffer. I experience unimaginable pain and lonliness. I humiliate myself and cause seemingly irrepairable damage. None of which I choose to do. Ultimately, I'll take one thing to heart: I do not exist. My thoughts are not my own. Call it ego dissolution. 

My needs, my wants, my goals, and desires. Holy missions bestowed upon me by mighty forces far beyond. My life itself, the beating of my heart carries forth the incomprehensible kinetic rythm that was birthed in the primordial crusible of raw, natural wilderness, so far ago that words fail to capture it. For it was a time before words, perhaps even a time before things. I care not much for any of it, but I try to remind m fragile self.

The pain highlights the pleasure. The light gives weight to the dark. To suffers means to haev prevailed, and to prevail means to have survived. All that to say, I am still alive. What can be mightier than this feeling, of identifying with this very source of being? This body is a fragile house. A limitless window to the world without. What use is such rhyme and prose? Is it monetizable? Well, no one knows. The only reason these thoughts are on paper, is for me to look at myself and say, Hey! That boy writes!

Ten thousand hours or more, a hundred entries, give or take a millon or two. Not another blind declaration.... What supidity to be so vain. All I can say after all that seeking, is that I know in my heart what's right. Something beyond it says to me quietly, come, you weren't born to live lightly. This feeling deep inside, a strong attraction, a guiding light. It yells to me every so quietly, Dive in man! Head first and mind later. 

You can always be quiet when you're dead. For now, obsess. Dream, cry, laugh, and fear. Hate, love, and drink some beer. One dream of mine is to know it all. To taste each thing that's there for us. I always wanted to know what it felt like. The joy of knowing that I saw my curiosity through to the very depths, the highest highs, and the lowest lows. I followed it everywhere. 

I let it take me where ever it may please. I stayed true to that pure instinct. I wonder what that feels like, at world's end. Can't help but rhyme after a while eh? Anyway, I think you get the gist of the story. 

My point is that I must remember. No matter how hard things get, or how desparate I get, or how much I waiver, or struggle, or ache, or doubt myself, or question things. At the end of the day, I am always staying true to myself. Everything I do, is ultimatley being fueled by that one sole desire. That furiously raging volcanic explosive curious fire. It wants to knwo what it'll all feel like. I want to know if indeed everything is possible? I want to challenge everything that has ever existed.

Everything else? That's all just some shit. For once in my life, I feel like I'm good. I'm right where I belong, exactly where I should be. It's a wonderful feeling to put things in perspective. I wonder if good therapists can also help with this? When all the dots connect and everything makes sense. That's when you can be truly empty. It only makes sense for me to want to try and help the ones that struggle and fail to see. More than anything else, they make me wonder. 

Full of curiosity to know what their life is like. I want to know how many others there are. If there's one thing I am hungry for, it's to see it all. That's why I'm so attracted to outlandis wilderness. Who could have ever imagined that kind of stuff would be out there? Always pushing the boundaries of what we can achieve, with this puny brain, on this speck of dust.