Worthy of Gratitude & Forgiveness

A very productive day yesterday. Too productive. I did end up doing everything. I wrote my story a bit, then my book, then I read a little, for God's sake I even sorted out my room's layout! Turns out, it takes less than three days to burn yourself out to a crisp at the pace I was keeping. Fasting, dieting, working out twice a day, reading, writing, and trying to stay hydrated. You'll give yourself a stroke trying to stay so healthy!

So I dunked out of the evening workout and ordered extremely disappointing junk food. I wish I could call it a guilty pleasure, but it was absolute garbage, I only thank god that I didn't order more of it... For some reason, McDonald's is the only place in this city that's got their shit together, and their menu is also so limited... You can get bored of it very easily. I suppose that's the only way to live eh? Do too little, then too much. Eventually, things start to even out a bit. 

Folks tend to find their pace after some point. I won't lie, I am still unbelievably horny, but once I got some food in my belly, all kinds of hungers went away. Almost as if it wasn't my body that was hungry at all. I wonder if everyone else lives in their heads too. Anyway, I set my brain on fire yesterday when I tried to do everything at once. If nothing else, it has given me newfound confidence in all my own ventures. As soon as I started working on things, they started to come together. The problem was, I couldn't shut it off after that. Couldn't sleep for an hour or so, had to read some stuff to calm down. 

I had a ton of work to do today, and I barely made a dent on it. Honestly? I couldn't care less about it. I still want to make a little headway on it, and I will try after this entry, but now that I've reignited the fire for my own projects, it really puts things in perspective. What the hell have I been doing so far? Beating myself up over insignificant bullshit, stressing out over meaningless work. I won't lie, the work is serving its part wonderfully. After all, gotta keep the light running and the bills paid. For that, I am eternally grateful. I wonder though, perhaps there is a place more suited to my talents, a place that can make better use of whatever I have to offer. I take no pleasure in half-assing anything. 

I know that's selfish in some ways, but the people I am working with deserve the best as well. The only issue is that perhaps we are all we've got. It's better for them to rely on incompetent old me, rather than hang their livelihoods in hopes of finding someone better. Perhaps it's better for me as well to try and make the best of the opportunities I have, rather than trying to seek out something better. I can't help but feel annoyed, though. My friend has no qualms dancing to the tunes of the clients, just to keep everyone happy. It's not a matter of pride, ego, or honor that bothers me, by the way. It's the fact that solving the client's problem is supposed to be his job, not being a cheerleader and therapist.

He should be delivering solutions that get the clients the results they want, not trying to make them feel like he's the man for the job, miming and acting every which way that he thinks the suits want him to. Makes me sick to my stomach. I feel a lot better with my day job. As incompetent, inexperienced, and ignorant as he might be, at least he seems to be working to the best of his abilities. My friend, on the other hand, is just being dishonest because..... money. I realize that my position is one of incredible luxury. And that most people literally cannot afford to do it. But if you can afford it, I think you really ought to. Not that I know, perhaps he cannot afford it after all. The realization makes me feel like an idiot. 

Still, my point is simple: I think a lot of what's wrong with the world has to do with this indistinguishable and all-encompassing capitalistic machine. This global powerhouse called business. And a lot of things wrong with the business world have to do with this pure evil blatant disregard for the values of honesty. There has never been a grosser form of moral degredation I have ever seen. Although the level of acceptance porn, junk food, wastefullness, and drugs get come pretty damn close. The Christians had it right the first time man. Thought is the ultimate sin. There ougtha be more honest work out there. 

I mean it's one thing to be clever, sophisticated, tactful, and intelligent. It's okay to be smart and strategic. But it's another thing altogether to be a lying, manipulative, scammy, grifter without an iota of regard for values or human deceny. I'm not saying that's what my frind is, but he is in danger of becoming unable to distinguish the two. Now I am the furthest person you can find from a fatalist. People make mistakes, and based on who they are, everyione deserves second chances and a shot at redemption. But I'll be damned if I stop trying to draw the line everywhere I go. Just because you can still be redeemed and forgiven, doesn't mean that you can get off scot-free, nosirre. Quite the opposite. in fact.

There's no point arguing with an idiot. Some people are so strongly committed to their demise that only God can help them, and that too if they let him! If they don't they will be forced to learn from time herself, the harshest teacher of them all. It's better to leave such people alone. It's those that make small, correctable mistakes that require criticism. They need that slap on the wrist, they deserve the negative energy. The consequences of their actions can teach them to mend their ways. Harsh words from those they trust can serve as a path to redemption. The punishment becomes their salvation. It's also important to know that we are all a bad day away from becoming irredeemable. In fact, I'm sure that almost everyone, if not everyone, is iredeemable for a certain amount of time. 

In the middle of this text I felt that I have it in me to be grateful today. I figured that if I don't feel very strongly one way or another, I might as well be grateful about everything that I do have going for me. But I remember what a snarly cunt I've been. I haven't forgotten my own pathetically irredeemable self from just a couple of weeks ago. I don't yet deserve to feel love, gratitude, or anything else at all, just yet. But here's a dredful thought, what if this is it? 

Alan Watts said it very simply, "You cannot change yourself, don't even bother trying." Well, if that is true, then I have never been and will never be more or less worthy of love and gratitude than I am in this very moment. As lonely and unfortunate as I may feel, perhaps that's something worth taking to heart. After all, it feels easy in this moment to curse myself and hold myself down. It's so easy to be harsh on yourself and beat yourself up. What's the point in trying or giving it your all when you know you are going to fail, being the villain that you are? 

And right now, I do feel like a villain. Perhaps that's precicely why I must challenge myself to muster up some courage. In general it's been proven to me that whatever scares me, might offer me a chance to learn and grow. In that spirit, let's take a moment to fucking appreciate from the bottom of our hearts all the effort this poor soul is making. I see you, you know? Laboring away all by yourself. Unable to see your gifts for what they are, but celebrating them anyway. Always trying your damned best, often with little hope for success. You are indeed a force of nature, my son. I appreciate how you are always trying to do the best. As weak and foolish as you are, you still give it your all and never truly consider giving up. 

Always so kind to everyone around you, always doing your very best. You deserve true love and happiness. Take a moment to appreciate everything around you. Clean air in your lungs. Nourishing foos in your body. Good water to drink, as mucha s you'd like. A nice comfy bed to sleep in as long as you'd like. A roof over your head and clothes on your back. Perhaps I didn't get the message. I am grateful. I do feel grateful. I feel grateful for all my friends. I'm so grateful for all my blessings. My parents ahve taken good care of me, my mentors guide my way like shining heros. I thank them all today. I thank God for electricity, the internet, technology, architecture, infrastructure, language, imagination, my healthy body, and all the people that make it all possible.

I thank Jesus for his holy protection and enligthening touch of mercy. I thank Buddha for giving my parent meaning and purpose in their lives, and giving the priceless gift of peace to countless others. Thank you thank you thank you, thank you all to death and beyond. 

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