The Real Reason

I had a long discourse with Vijay Ji today. It was my way of celebrating Rakhi. I love how cool he is. Intellectual, warm, humble, passionate, and knowledgable. In general, just a really cool guy to be around. He can sometimes get on your nerves since he can get stuck with too much talking sometimes, and he gets really worked up. But that's a big part of his charm in the first place. I thought of so many things whole talking to him. It made me want to double down on my book and really write a lot of shit down.

I've stopped caring bout the zero viewers of my posts here. In fact, I'm kind of starting to enjoy it. It's nice to have someone who cares about right and wrong. It's nice to have someone who loves discussions as much as I do. I appreciate him and his entire family a lot. He's given me a way to connect with my roots, and understand so many things about this palce I've been born into. I really felt like a tourist in my own city, and honestly, what can be better than that? People love to travel because they feel like tourist, and the best part of it all is meeting cool, new, and interesting people.

I thouht of so many things that I wanted to write down here throughout the day. I came across so many ideas and had wonderful experiences. Yet they all seem to be escaping me at the moment. I can hardly recall any of it at all. Perhaps they will all come back to me when I need them, it not, I know where Ic an find them again. Regardless, today was a good day. No matter how hard my brain tries to convince me otherwise. I have a lot to learn from my relatives. I have a lot I can gain from this self exploration. I've been given so many gifts in my life, that it's hard to fathom. 

It makes me want to work hard and give it my all. It makes me want to share these gifts with the rest of the world and give them the platform they deserve. I feel this strong need to create content of my own. I really believe that I can help so many people. I might feel self-conscious and insecure, but I also feel a strong attraction to this kind of work. It scares me, excites me, and makes me giddy, all at once. That's how I know it's worth doing. I can see clearly how I'm in this unique position in my life. How I have open to me, ancient truths and modern logic. Tragic nihilism and hapless optimism. 

I feel like I am drawn to bring these things together. Of course, I would love nothing more than to settle down, fall in love, and have a family of my own. Of course, I would love nothing more than to live in the mountains, hang out with some people and just live my life day to day. What more could a man ask for? But where I stand, it is equally as difficult for me to get long lasting comfort as it is for me to build a legacy. A family is just as far away from me than a sense of community. Both require much more of me than there currently is.

Both come with their own trials and tribulations. I thought about how I want to learn these technicals. How I want to be a professional illustrator and artist, as well as a tech savvy person who can navigate their way around the newest tech. I imagined how cool it would be to invest in the right tech and set myself up for success. That's a great thing. I still have a good vague idea of what I want to do with my life. It's not perfect but it looks like I can make it work. I also have all these othings I want to do, which is just so great as well. 

It seems like I don't have much to say when I'm happy. I mentally picked a fight with my mom and malaika today. It felt like we disagreed on some important things in life. I feel this strong urge to keep everyone at a distance. I don't want to waste my time and energy with fruitless relationships and discussions that don't go anywhere. I want to learn, grow, and do some really good work. It doesn't have to be ground breaking, but I know I'll try to make it happen anyway. Funny how things change when you feel seen, heard, and valued. 

I feel no need to hype myself up, or do anything that doesn;t come naturally. But right now, I don't have many things in my head, so I'm just writing down how I feel. It's so easy to get swept away by the brain and lose your ground. That's what it is, isn't it? That's why they call it being grounded. I can feel myself loose my footing and get propelled in everywhich direction when it happens. It's tempting even, because it's so easy. You don't have to do anything, or focus, or exert yourself. You can just feel all the stimulating pity-fueled negative emotions and give in to the darkness. 

There is a real perverted sense of pleasre in it. Submerging yourself into the unholy, frees you from the weight of the just. It also makes you lose your sense of self. It's when things are boring and uneventful, when you don't have anything to do, when you feel the crushing weight of your own existence. Here I am feeling like all the answers in life are within my reach. I can't wait for the next fall, I can't help but feel excited about the next discovery. If nothing else, I'm glad that I have written so much in states of great dismay. I have a lot of material to get to in that regard.

Either way, no matter what tomorrow holds, I am hapy and grateful for today. I also spite the fucking shit out of all the hateful fuckery I witnessed today as well. The disappointment, the anger, and the pure unbrindled hate still lives on me as well. It can be great fuel for the great fire that lights my way to the next curiosity. Oh the pure ignorance, the idiocy, the inefficiency. The absolute fucking disgrace that strots the streets in pure gayful bliss is appalling, and you gotta love it.

Imagine how boring it would be to win all the time. Imagine how much it would suck to actually have no enemies. I have great monsterous and powerful enemies whose domain is all-encompassing. To those creepy crawly creatures of the night, I am eternally grateful. They give me a reason to fight. As I make my way toward my dreams, I hope that the demons will continue to give me hell. It is only in that furnace where I can forge a new heart of gold, mighty sword, and impenetrable armor. Although, I'll settle for a pair of xray glasses and a cloak of invisibility. Perhaps a clock that stops time for everyone else but me. 

I see you my demons, and I want you to stay with me. Give me warmth in the cold nights of lonely self-discipline and righteousness. I trust you to remain true to your nature, as I continue to explore my own. I hope that you will always be the real reson for me to go on.