My Journey

I've been stressing out about my relationships my entire life. The lack of a romantic one, the superficiality of my paternal ones, the lack of depth in the ones with my siblings, and the consistent inconsistency in all of my friendships. I've always heard that you're born alone and you die alone, and you're pretty much always alone so better get used to it. I remember when I was younger, I used to fantasize about it. How weak these simp like men were who were being controlled by women. How wonderful a truly independent life would be. How ideal. How freeing.  To my mind now, only my brother Bhuvan seems to be living an ideal life. Full of challenges for sure, not without his own share of terrible suffering, but still happy, and kind. Never allowing himself to get bitter and depressed. That's what it seems to me now anyway. Past few days I've been going back and forth on it. On one hand I thought the new year and the Christmas weekend are a time to socialise and b...

Yesterday was a great day off. I decided I won't do anything productive at all to get some rest so I can continue to give my all for the next week. I talked to a friend, watched anime, ate good food, watched the new Avatar, and watched the FIFA finale. It was all so amazing. It was difficult not to do anything though because I really wanted to. I had built up to it the whole week after all. The habits were starting to form. The work was gaining momentum. I didn't get great sleep last night and slept feeling hungry. Today I woke up late feeling lazy, ate breakfast asap, and didn't do shit. I didn't do anything at all. My room was a mess. When I tried to do something I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by all that has to be done. Nevermind my basic obligations, but all the secondary things like cooking and shit. So I ended up lazing around all day, jacking off(literally too), and then over eating to relax. Now I pretty much feel like shit. It's late again and I w...

I realized how pointless feelings can be sometimes. Here I am spiraling out of my mind because I'm worried about results and how I'll never get fit and stay that way and how I'm fated to suffer with all this when I realized that today is the 5th fucking day of my mother fucking fast. Like seriously dude, way to jump the gun buddy. Anyway, I'll make this one quick because I'd rather spend this time writing down ideas for characters and working on my own articles. I am going to stop taking each and every feeling as a serious call for action from my intuition and higher self and god knows what else delusional shit that I was on. It's better to stick it out for a month or two before deciding to change things like these. I ordered a book for content writing and I think that is a wonderful idea. I also just realized that I'm so busy I'm not even thinking about any of my self-destructive habits, much less wrestling with them. There are so many things in life th...

For quite some time it has seemed like I am stuck and need to do more. I suppose it's more about not making enough progress than being stuck. This folly may have caused many of my older derailments. Something is definitely different this time though. I am not looking for any alternatives as an escape from this lifestyle. I no longer wish I could order junk food or smoke up or have a drink to make myself feel better. It feels a bit like I have internally burned my bridges and my boats at the shore. It seems like I have for the first time gone all in.  I am glad about that. I did take it a little easy today. I was starving at breakfast time so I overate a bit, which made me sleepy around noon. I was also sore from yesterday and worried that taking a nap would only ruin my sleep schedule, but I took one anyway. It was rather refreshing and relaxing. I did a little outlining for my own story before the nap and after waking up I just watched this new anime I found called Jobless Reincar...

I'm pushing myself right up to my limit now. The diet is stable but can easily derail in a moment of weakness. The exercise is causing soreness and I loathe stretching, which I'm not very familiar with in the first place. It's starting to feel like I am starving myself a little bit, which is what I want.  I'm doing my best to maintain efforts toward everything else and making slow, and minuscule, but consistent progress. I want to lie down and rest properly. Everything is going according to plan. I am the one who is making it happen. The moment I stop making efforts at key moments, the progress will derail. This is a critical juncture. This is a defining moment. This is me crossing the threshold. Like a space shuttle fighting against the atmosphere and gravity. This is far from over, the worst might be yet to come.  I am grateful for this opportunity and the guidance I have received that has led me here. I will persevere. I will ingrain in my memory from now onwards to ...

 Progress is weird because the more I make, the less it seems. I wrote another article and felt like I could do more content writing long-term for money. I hope I can because it agrees with me. I'm doing my best but kind of feel bad about all the extra fat right now as the day comes to an end. The whole day I was so busy moving from one thing to the next. I would say I was very successful, I mean when I make goals for the next day I don't expect to achieve them, I only expect myself to try. Yet today I achieved the major things I set out to do yesterday. I want to pat myself on the back. I had wished to work for myself the way I used to for others in the kitchen, and I am developing some real dedication here. I was so busy I didn't have time to think. What a bliss that was! So yea I did well for myself today. But I won't deny that right now I feel a bit down because I did not do any drawing and I feel it's time to sleep. I want to write more articles and work on my ...

I woke up relatively early today for once and the new feeding times are suiting me so far, although I can only know for sure in a week or so if it sticks. This resulted in a lot of time for me to engage in my other more fruitful activities. On one hand, what is the point of recording everything every day, on the other, I know very well the reasons behind each of my endeavors and I want nothing more than to achieve all of them for many days in a row. So I spent all my free time wasting more than most of it. Jumping from app to app, playing round after round of Isaac, watching episode after episode.  Some of my experiences tell me to take things slow and appreciate any and all progress. They tell me to ease into my goals and let things happen organically. Yet I intuitively know that to be totally false. This is why I'm not consulting anyone about this or asking for advice. A part of me wants to take things slow and go easy. That part of me has constantly made me miserable my whole li...

My dear cousin brother came to visit me last week, the day after I wrote my last entry here. We drank together and he shared a lot of his experiences with me while we caught up while sitting on the roof. I don't know how long it had been since I last saw him but I'm glad he was able to come. He has always been one of my favorite people, he's warm, kind, and very charming. Charming is a quality made up of equal parts warmth and competence. That is an interesting thing I learnt recently. I also learned a lot of other things these past few days. The first and foremost thing I learned was what a huge fucking failure I am. The realization came to me rather matter of factually instead of some heavy dreadful bashing that I beat myself up over. Because I also realised that no one I cared about, literally no one that mattered would care about my failures more than I ever would. So what's the point of beating yourself up if you're on the same team? I never critisize someone w...

How odd life can be. Yesterday I tried so hard and was full of fire. I asked for difficulties, trials, and tribulations. I had so many things on my mind that I could not go to sleep. I was so full of energy and drive. Today morning when I woke up I had forgotten all about it. I got annoyed at the smallest of things. I wanted to quit my diet and take it easy. Before that, I wanted to starve myself and stay hungry to keep my fast up. Then I ate way too much and struggled to stay asleep. Today was the kind of day I should feel grateful for because today I feel lonely, unmotivated, and unsatisfied.  Yesterday I wanted to give more to others, today I only want to bury y head in the ground. What is the point of anything if life is going to be this uphill losing battle? One step forward two steps back. Always moving and yet losing progress. Yesterday I felt good because I had hit all of my goals for the day and went beyond them because yesterday the only goal I had was to wake up earlier ...

I watched Bullet Train today with Brad Pitt as the lead. Man what an entertaining movie dude. I love some of the camera work like the water bottle scene, the pacing was impeccable, the editing was outstanding honestly, and the direction was generally great. It had some really cool characters uplifted by the eye-catching visuals. A huge fan of the introductory neon titles in Japanese letters for all the characters they really gave the film a cool vibe. The writing itself was absolutely insane for a movie, of course, after all, it was based on a novel but the film was also fucking hilarious dudes like comedy gold.  I also loved how the film utilized an idea I've had myself (got it from JoJo Rabbit, another outstanding film.), of using familiar and crowd-favorite songs and then using their covers in a different language to make it sound fresh. This way you can stick to the classics and still branch out to stay fresh. Thor Love and Thunder could have used that trick, which is odd becau...

Well, what do you know, here I am on day 2. I give it one more day max before I forget about it for a month lol. I had to study a bunch of financial people on LinkedIn so that I and my friend can run his client's page effectively. The client wants to improve their online presence as a marketing tool to drive more sales. So I spent a couple of hours researching some other people that were making successful financial content on that platform. Here's what I learned today: - Regardless of how I feel about a person's line of work or their approach to it, anyone who is popular is helping people in one way or another. A pretty big lesson for me. - How to handle inner conflicts and self-doubt a little better. Dealing with my problems head-on, trying shit out, and taking steps is the way to solve things instead of thinking about it or worrying. When I engage with something that I feel could be valuable, I get worthwhile returns more often than not, even if I'm worried about some...

It has occurred to me just now as I was reading Norman Lewis's Word Power that I am in fact highly motivated to learn things and I feel great joy in feeling growth. I have been trying countless ways to drive my own for as far back as I can remember without ever really sacrificing my sense of joy. In that way, I have learned everything that I know today organically.  I recently made the transition from the culinary to a writing profession and am seriously considering the visual arts like comic book drawing and character design to one day achieve my dream of working with other people to create fresh, new, interesting, and most importantly, useful stories worth experiencing. I have become obsessed with my current need to do the legwork required to master the skills I will need to achieve that dream, much less to create the stories themselves.  As such, I have tried many different things. I've started a new blog stemming from my familiarity with the written word about things I fee...