Limitations Provide Freedom

As much as I wish it were otherwise, it's not often that I make ground-breaking revelations that change my entire perception of my life. Not anymore, anyway. I reckon it used to happen almost everyday around when I was in Amity. To be fair, this was brought on by a particularly significant podcast by Huberman that he posted on New Year's Day 2024. The guest? David Goggins.  

Now, I'm no stranger to Goggins, or his philosophy (which is a terrible word to describe what he's all about). While I've heard him and followed his work for a few years, last year, I sort of made conscious efforts to do the opposite of how he lives his life. Looking at the last few posts will tell you that I regretted this behavior as a whole. I did it because I tried following his way before and it seemed to do more harm than good for me.

Regardless, this new interview gave me a totally new appreciation and understanding of his mindset, way of life, and body of work. By and large, it's an all-stick approach of embracing hardship wholeheartedly. It's about doing the things that you absolutely hate to do the most, and doing them as if you loved them. It's about following the path of most resistence, a life that's mainly filled with friction, pain, suffering, and immense difficulty. Like trying to write a book without knowing the alphabets. 

So internally it's far beyond hellish. You're doing something that goes against your nature. Far beyond the relam of simple stress, this level of difficulty is enough to literally make someone kill themself. The goal is simply so far away, out of reach, in another dimensional reality, that you feel like an insane person for believeing in it. There is nothing even remotely pleasant about such a traumatic experience, but the person is so involved in the process that from the outside, it looks like obsession. 

I had understood that to some extent, but I never read his book and you can only cover so much in a podcast. Luckily this was a combination that was more than the sum of its parts. Andrew's incredible precise language and propensity for clarity intertwined with the gut-fueled and intuitive Goggins approach to communicate the same message in the best way I had experienced till now. So did it change my life? Of course not. 

In fact, while I was relatively productive the past few days, just the unconsious awareness that I want to exert myself was more than enough for every cell in my body to pull the breaks on everything. So I actually spent most of the day lazing around and watching Mad Men. Now, that's hardly what you can call a revelation. Except that it did cause a major change in me somewhere. 

If I would've had a slow day like today in August of last year, where I would be feeling lathargic and unmotivated, I would probably say something like: Oh I should've woken up earlier or drank more water through the day or have eaten a salad instead of a heavy meal which would've have made me feel so heavy... etc. Funnily enough, some of this over optimization tendicies came from huberman himself, and all his like hack tips about sunshine and god knows what else.

The implication being that there is some sort of ideal day/environment in which I can thrive, and if I can only find a way to get that in my life, I'm fucking solid. Going back even further, the entirty of 2023 had this overarching theme of determinism for me. My mind was so focused on the things that allows me to thrive in the past, I've been thinking that way ever since I left college, and maybe even before then! Writing it down is making me realize the massive scale of the shift that has occured today, ever so quetly. 

Coming back to today, I realised a few important things about myself. I knew about them before, but I had forgotten along the way (as one does). For one, I know very well that I am indeed a rather weak person. By and large, this weakness stems directly from my privilage and luxury. Having been fortunate enough to never experience any great, soul-crushing tragedy, abuse, or horror, my life has been pretty pain-free. Without any real burdens or inherent difficulties, I pretty much breezed through life, but I also never developed any resilience. 

Looking back at school, I absolutely despised it. Never engaged in any studies, homework, socialising, or extra curricluar activities of any kind. I had the bare minimum attendance, and exerted the least amount of effort possible. Yet no teacher ever failed me at any point throughout in any subject (except for Sanskrit lol). I did think about a lot of things, had tremendous curiosity, and used to question everything internally. I never studied more than I had to, so I didn't really know any of the subjects properly, so how come none of the teachers gave me any grief?

Ask me back then, and I considered myself the biggest dumbass. Personally, I still think my intelligence is below average. But, having seen so many other people, I certainly cannot deny that I might have some form of intellectual gifts after all. So I had a working brain, something most people cannot say unfortunately, and no major negative influences to speak of. Unfortunately, I also lacked any positive influences. What resulted was a kind of fading into the background throughout my childhood. 

Long story short, I don't exactly have an abundance of grit to turn into will power. Everything feels kind of lukewarm and mellow. I can see how many people embrace a life of uneventful mediocrity. It can be soothing, peaceful, and so comfortable, as I've discovered in the past year. While my parents didn't abuse me, they did leave completely alone, to my own devices. This freedom and lack of trauma allowed me to dream up a good number of grand visions for my life, after all, I had spend so long day dreaming into escapism. 

So, I'm pretty motivated and optimistic, but I seriously lack any and all form of resilience. Well, after realising this, what was my reaction today when I lazed around once more? Before I would've blamed it on something or the other, but today, for the first time that I can remember, I clearly, frankly, and honestly acknowledged the fact that I'm just being fucking lazy. That's right! Did you catch the shift? It's absolutely massive and yet easy to miss.

When before I "felt" lazy (and was hence compelled to act as such), today, I was "being" lazy. The former is a free pass, while the latter is an admission of guilt. The noun given to a phenomenon that's akin to a force of nature, which can only be experienced passively, has now transformed into a verb which I, and only I, am capable of performing. How did this shift occur? Was it the podcast? The years of struggling with and feeling my way around these concepts? Or was it something else?

Seems to me like it came forth by an accumulation of countless different things. That simple mental shift is actually astronomical. If you look at the podcast itself, one of the biggest points they end up making is that it's not about belief and mindset as it is about action and relentless execution of the most gut-wrenchingly difficult things over a superhuman period of time, i.e. forever. Yet, the effect this conversation had on my persception has now turned every single one of my living moments into a consious act.

It's not that I'm feeling like lying down, instead I'm choosing to give up on whatever I had to do or choosing to waste my time, etc. Above anything else, I have become excrutiatingly aware of my own lack of courage. I've suddenly realised how I've been living small. Now, I don't want to become some legendary incredible figure like Goggins or anything, just because of all this. But I'm no longer able to deny my need to push harder than ever toward my own unique potential and explore what it even is in the first place. 

I can't imagine myself living a small pathetic life any more, with a tilted head that bows in shame, and apologises for its own existence. Suddenly, the nature of my feelings have lost some of their weight, all that matters is how I'm able to manage them. There are many things I want to do. Just yesterday, I thought about starting a new blog that talks about dark things and harsh truths, but I see now that's a horrible idea.

Instead of working on twelve half-assed things that I pick up for a moment and leave behind forever, I need to work a small number of things with the utmost dedication. My time would be better spent working on my book rather than on writing half-assed articles on addiction for an audience. Although I would love to talk about things like weed culture, gender conflicts, abuse, sickness, and depression, I doubt that'll be the best use of my time. 

I should write these articles as well since I want to, but I can't give every new idea a priority. After all, execution has to come first. All I want to think about in the back of my mind are those words from Imagine Dragons, "I'm running out of time, is this really my life, my life?" I want to dive headfirst into difficult and stressful situations for me to fail at and eventually overcome. But I also recognize that I cannot take this message to heart as Gospel, since I am not a guardian warrior like Goggins. I have my own journey and I need to make myself hurt in my own way.

Writing, is that pain for now. This time next year, it'll be drawing and visual arts. I've decided it, so it shall be. I will continue to work toward becoming an incredible storyteller, while challenging myself in as many ways as possible. Imagine if I start writing one day from the moment I wake up, right until I go to sleep! Isn't that the dream? It certainly is now. What's more interesting than anything else, is that everything else is becoming less interesting! I never really felt like seriously talking to anyone today, or interacting with any person. 

I didn't want to use IG either, just YT because it's still incredible for learning and entertainment. Oh well, it is incredibly liberating to know that this is it. This is what my entire life can look like. Working dedicatedly, going from one thing to another. Immersed in everything I do, always in the present moment, by default, by necessity. Limitations might provide more freedom than anything else after all.