Next Up

What will it be today? A prayer for the lost and the damned to find salvation perhaps. Or another rant about something or the other. It could be a single idea that expands into a full train of thought, carrying me away with its momentum, toward unforeseen streams of consciousness. I almost settled on bitching about the state of the world because of a couple of news headlines. I wouldn't call this writer's block. In fact, it's crippling indecision; Spoilt for choice by an abundance of material.

The days certainly go by very fast, yet the moments seem to linger on forever. Isn't that absolutely lovely? I only wish others could be so fortunate. Still, perhaps I am to prepare for some horrifying trials and tribulations that await me in the future. I certainly seem to have more than enough to keep me busy for now. I wholly trust in the universe for its all-powerful abilities to hit me way out of left field and keep things as unpredictable as possible.

That's all I can ask for. A fair share of pain and suffering. More than that, if it actually helps anyone else. I had a few interesting thoughts come and visit me today once more. For one, I thougth about my pupper doggo, and how horribly pampered she is. Those disembodied voices screm out from the viod, "This is why some people hate dogs! The dog is the master while the owner is the servant! *angry face grr*" Looking at my little fur baby, seeing how her body deteriorates with time, I wonder if Ms. Karen over there expected her dog to fetch her the newpaper every morning and protect her from invaders.

That too, without any training whatsoever. I suppose children are also bundles of joy that give your life meaning, do chores for you, and will support you in your old age. Yes, yes, it is only natural for everything around you to bow down and serve you. After all, you are a beggar in need, and they are all kings that live lavish lives full of hedonistic pleasure, jewels, and ambrosia. Kings or not, you always gotta look out for number one, because no one else will, isn't that right? 

Then there was the second realization. Intentionally sobering up after more than three months, I can certainly attest that many things are quite different now. I have certainly developed some great habits when it comes to thoughts, emotions, my relationship with myself, and to those around me. The thoughts have become less imposing, the emotions, more manageable & familiar. 

For instance, I saw myself in the mirror and even now, as I type this with my head tilted down, I can see my pot belly in the perephiry. This made me realise that I haven't bothered with my looks even once in the past months, and it suddenley came rushing how horribly anxious I was all the fucking time. Ruthlessly judgemental, always beating myself up, certainly keeping track of all my failures and carrying them like a burden.

I should have been celebrating my failures instead. After all, failure isn't inherently bad, quite the opposite. It is overwhelmingly great because you get to play again in a different way, or try your luck with the same. If you win, then it really is game over and what can be more tragic than an ending? The best thing about an ending is that it leads to something new, and new things bring with them a massive flood of potential failure! So, why worship success? Sure, it's a great goal to have, one full of meaning and clear direction, but ultimately it's only a chariot that propels the glory of messy miserable horror. 

Indeed, the last year was full of failure. It's clearer than ever before that the four pillars are a godsend (thanks big G *muah*). No fun to write without learning. No fun to learn without reading. No fun to think without doing, or just simple being. A little movement, hydration, and sleep, and we've got a damn-near perfect existence. Setting up systems includes personal rules, mental frameworks, and a palpable sense of momentum. They serve as a solid foundation for the actual formation of habits and routines. With time, those things translate into your deepest inner workings, transforming your sense of identity.

What to do is just as important as what not to do. And I've found that momentum follows the pareto's principle in this instance. As long as I keep moving, find some joy and laugther throughout the day, big, small, or medium, it's easier and easier to do the right things. So doing the right things makes it easier to do the same, while the wrong stuff keeps ya stuck. As difficult as it is for me to be at peace without confusing it with complacency, I am learning to love the entire process, warts and all. So bring on the missed attempts, and passing deadlines. Let them bring fattening, expensive dirt with them. 

I have to learn to let go of failure as easily as losing a run. Sure, it can infuriate at times and one needs a break and a change of pace. But how awesome would it be, if I forget to workout one day, or pray, or write here, and I just laugh it off? I mean, can you imagine? If that was my first initial instinct? What an incredibly powerful vision of a way of life! What an astonishingly liberating sense of being. The joy, the love, the freedom, that's that shit that we all live for. The thought is more than enough to make it worth a try! :)