Guilty Progress

One of the only things on my mind today was a project I'm currently working on to earn more in the future. It'll be my first proper freelance experience, which IMO, makes it the closest thing to a entrepreneurial venture that I have ever undertaken. While it feels good to have my Dad with me on this, since he has a certain experience of his own. At the same time, working with someone with drastically different values has its own unique challenges, something I am wholeheartedly looking forward to tackling head first. 

It's fun and exciting because I don't know what exactly it'll be like, and how I will handle it. So I can't wait to see how I do. It's important to vent all frustrations, though, if we are to be productive, it has to be a collaboration. And for that, we need to be calm. Good thing I already vented to Swapnil and other friends of mine. (lol) That's about the work, I also got a few good ideas about my story. 

Ayn Rand gets a bad wrap, but I think her philosophy might fit well in tons of fictional scenerios, especially when pitted against other characters and philosophies. I think it might be interesting to have questions of economics and industry in the backdrop of a good story. It can add so much depth to the world. To tell you the truth, I also feel kinda bad right now. More accurately, I feel guilty. You see, I've changed a lot over the years. 

If you turn back the calander pages a few years, I was pretty much a hot mess. Suicidal, lonely, depressed, unhappy, anxious, panicked, and in general quite terrified of most things. Looking back, I used to feel like I was born weaker than other people. I felt like I was more sensitive, slower, and generally worse at most things than those around me. In hindsight, I might've been so more than the average person, anyway. Emotionally, I've always felt sorry for myself. In short, it was a rather miserable existence. 

With time, a ton of space, and various kinds of work, I started to change, little by little. I tried everything I possibly could; Reading books, consuming content, talking to people, therapy, not talking to people, journaling, affirmations, habits, prayer. There's not much that I didn't try to do. And after such a long time, and countless hours of trial and error, I've finally reached a much better place in life. Words cannot contain how fortunate I feel. Except, I don't feel very fortunate at all. I very desprately want to, though, I mean, how can I not be?

I often do feel grateful as well. I used to be a real bleeding heart, and it was hurting me. I had a pretty prevalent feminine side. Not being in touch with my masculinity made me confused and frustrated. I would dwell and mull over my utter lonliness and wished desparately to be given any form of attention. Binging myself to the verge of tears, always in some passive aggressive butt hurt mode, I would throw weak-ass tantrums and go around depressed. Mostly wishing someone would talk to me. 

At the same time, whenever I saw anyone else in need, I had an intense will to try and help them out. I very desparately wanted to give to others what I had missed so much in my life. To be heard, to feel seen, and to be loved. I tried very hard to love other people and be generally the most agreeable person in the room. I became quiet and introverted.

Finally, whenever someone would give me any attention when I was down and ask me what's wrong, I would be unable to say anything at all.

Part of it was the fear of being kicked when I was down, which had happened to me quite often, but a book made me realize that I might also have an aversion to be overly vulnerable and a need to feel capable and productive. In short, I was starving myself of my need for power. Having realized that, I took many slow and steady steps to mitigate the situation. 

Today, I have reached a much better place. I feel strong, capable, and dare I say, generally happier than ever before. Hopeful and optimistic, I genuinely feel like life is worth living. In terms of love, I currently feel more than capable of completely putting it aside for the foreseeable future. That's because I'm surrounded by people who obviously care about me, and I've worked hard to nurture my relationship with my immediate family. I deal with personal crises often, and it pretty much feels like I got it under control.

It made sense for me to put other people aside and focus on myself. After all, how can I feed other people from an empty cup? That's what I figured. Whenever I tried to help anyone, it didn't seem like I ever really succeeded. Most people pretty much wanted me to leave them alone. I didn't want to be a hero, or have people be grateful to me, or show up at my funeral (at least not because of something I did for them, but because they truly fell in love with who I was as a person), I just knew how horrible a person can truly feel when things go wrong. 

I also knew that most things that I can do for them, might not help at all, at least not until they wanted me to, I suppose. 

As the ever-looming dark clouds all but disappered from the back of my mind, I began to dread what's next. I had only felt the pain of indifferent neglect and of feeling worthless. What about when I get actually antagonized by a mugger or a gangster? And what about when my parents pass away? If it abruptly happens one of these days? Could I ever deal with the trauma? The fears came and went away. Nothing horrible happened. (not yet anyway) 

Depression and sadness went further and further away, and I figured I should just embrace the service of those immediately next to me. Helping them with their problems, fixing things for them, that's what it means to be a man, right? I'm sure I will feel good if I do that. So that's what I did. 

Yet today I find myself teary-eyed with a lump in my throat because of a post Bhrigu shared about how he's coping with his mum being gone everyday of his life. After a really long time, I feel a real and intense sadness. A feeling of helplessness, guilt, and inadequacy. Suddenly, I find myself actually crying out right, and its for the suffering of other people. I can feel a real sense of pain in my heart, now on the verge of balling.

For there are so many people stuck in hellish tragedy. How can I leave them behind? What? I'm supposed to carry on like everything is good in the world? Giving marketing pitches to luxury brand owners. Filled with high-minded ideals and for want of riches. I'm out there simply making my own fortune. And the world is just in the palm of my hands? I can't just forget anymore. I had forgotten what it was like.

I don't want to forget. I don't want to let all those people freeze to death on the streets. I don't want to feel like I can't do anything to help them, either. I'd rather die than carry on like this. I can't live without carrying at least a little bit of their pain with me. I want to die. How long has it been since I said those words and really mean them? If I could push a button that makes me trade places with a beggar, I'd do so in a heartbeat. If someone came to me and said that they will crush all the bones in my limbs, one by one, for all eternity, but each bone will give a poor soul even a tenth of my undeserved gifts, I wouldn't think twice before accepting. 

Why were they born on this Earth? Was it only to suffer? Why not me, then? Why is my suffering, alone, a gift to me? The pain of lonliness is a lottery ticket compared to poverty and sexual abuse. Everybody suffers, yes. But we do not suffer equally. We are not the same, and the world is going insane because of it. I feel like there's this monster within me. This horrible, disgusting, vile creature, whose presense is an insult to the divine. 

I feel repulsed by how shamelessly ugly it is. The callous indifference, laziness, compliance, self importance, pride, and ignorance. And the list goes on. Is there no end to the depths of my depravity? Unsurprisingly, the feelings are going away already. The sadness, the judgement, the guilt. As much as I want them to stay with me forever, I'm not even capable enough to hold on to them for longer. 

Something I just realized as I wrote all this down. The very revelation that deadned those waves of sorrow: The monster that I feel guilty about? Why, that's literally me from a few weeks ago. Not some little devil hiding in some corner, but my entire being as it exists in this world. I was greedy, blissfully ignorant, categorically self-satifying, and shamelessly indifferent to any and all consequences that befall any and all creatures. 

Completely embracing my stoner hedonistic tendencies, allowing myself to fail, hurt, and take advantage of any other person, or pretty much doing whatever the hell I wanted, that's a big part of the inner peace I have carved out for myself. I won't just cut those things out and leave them out to starve. Looking at my fat, bloated body saddled by the (literal) weight of my affluent indulgences and accepting it not only as the natural effects of my actions, but with love, humor, and pleasure. Accepting these things as a fundamental part of who I am, and not the end-all qualities that define me. That's how I've assimilated myself into a newly functional individual. 

You have to be a bit shameless to do that. Of course, I do feel shame in the periphery of my mind, but I must act shamelessly anyway, and focus away from that feeling. I had to do that to reconcile my actions, so that I may carry on with my life and continue to take action. I can feel all the empathy in the world, and I can cry my heart right out of my chest, but if I don't act correctly, it makes no difference at all. If nothing else, I suppose I can take comfort in knowing that whatever horrible shit might be headed my way, I wholeheartedly deserve it more than anyone else.

Ultimately, I have to keep walking my path and keeping faith in my plan. If I give it up now, I won't be here nor there. I'm still not strong enough to help others in any meaningful way. I need to know exactly how to win in life, and I need to know it as a science. Only then can I truly make a difference. If I try to give too much away, it'll hinder my chances of accomplishing that goal. I'll effectively be giving people what they want in this moment instead of what we all really need as a whole. 

If there is one thing I want to pray to God for, it's this, "Please allow me to carry the pain of others within my heart for far longer. Please let me carry it in some form at all times. Oh God, my dear Lord, please, oh please, don't ever let me forget the pain, the suffering and the misery of this world. Oh God, my eternal father, please allow me to be of service to the broken, to be of help to the damned, and a shelter to the less fortune. Oh God, please let me give away even a fraction of the gifts you have given me, and pass them forward many folds. 

Not because I am ungrateful, but because I am grateful. Oh God my dear lord, please let me find a way to be of use to your glorious kingdom. Amen."