Wasting Away

Do you suppose I enjoy pouring my heart out to the nothingness out here? I reckon you would think so. That I like listening to the sound of my voice. Going around in circles, spinning the old yarn, always busy but getting nowhere. I must look mad trying to give myself therapy but posting it online for any stranger to see. I've found myself looking forward to writing these, so perhaps you are right. I didn't set out to do this, though, I never wanted to make this a proper diary or anything.

It's just that, it's better to write what you know. And the things I talk about here, I know more closely than anyone in the entire world. Yesterday I felt an abysmal kind of hopelessness where individual negative emotions snowballed into a general emotional crisis. I felt physically lonely in the morning, but moved on into melancholy by the evening. Today, I feel a much more palpable sense of being alone. I feel angry on one hand that none of the people I've meticulously and regularly made sure to stay in touch with, even think twice about me once I stop reaching out.

I feel hurt by them all. I have an immense urge to block everyone who ever claimed to be or acted like my friend. Most of the day, I felt this pit in the bottom of my stomach, burning a hole in my body, sinking deeper. I don't want to live anymore. What's the point if I'm going to be alone the whole time? There are people around me and ones that aren't that think they care about me, but they haven't the slightest idea who I really am. They don't understand me. I suppose its always been this way from the start. Every time someone says something and doesn't do it, it cuts into my soul.

"We'll talk at length." "I'll talk to you tomorrow." "We'll meet up soon." "We'll catch up." "I love you."

Perhaps it would've been better if I'd never met them in the first place, or even better, if I'd never been born. I certainly wish so. While it's true that I don't want to live anymore, there are many things I do want to experience. One Piece is really going hard right now, and there are so many other things that I want to do, starting form Mad Men and TWD:TOWL to Chainsawman and much more. Why do I live to watch and experience these amazing stories? Of that, I'm not sure. Nevertheless, this is what has taken hold of me and it is certainly suiting me well.

I'm tired now. Real tired. The kind of tired that permeates and hits your core. I feel weak, and sickly. I'm done. There are those who I will love regardless of how they treat me, like Joshua, Purusharth, and Bhuvan, and then there are ones I can't really bring myself to hate, like Shantanu and Bhrigu. But pretty much everyone else, Malvika, Malaika, Keshav, I can't really think of anyone else, but yea, everyone else can go to hell. I never want to forgive them for abandoning me. I never want to speak to them again. I wish I could make it so that I never met them in the first place. 

I miss them so much. My brothers. They're so far away now. I wish them well. I hope they never have to feel even a fraction of the pain I do right now. This crushing sense of lonliness... Nobody deserves to feel this empty and hollow. The pain, it's too much. I never wanted to pray because I didn't think it worked. I thought it'll make me weak and complacent, trying to ask for things instead of working towards them. I thought that if I pray for something and get it, it'll really hurt me in the long term.

I don't care anymore. I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what else to do. Life is so fucking hard when you do the right thing all the fucking time. It can drive you crazy. How does one do it? I have no idea how I can stop feeling this way. I've tried so much to do something about it. I can't try anymore. Oh God, take the reins now, and please deliver me from this crisis. Personal and professional strides apart, I want to live to see a day when I don't feel misunderstood anymore. I don't imagine that day will ever come. I need your help now God, more than ever before.

I remember how Tanvi's sister said that her religion or beliefs only matterted to her on the most important days of her life, like a marriage or a funeral. I truly wish everyone could be so fortunate. There hasn't been a week, when I was sober, and I didn't think about a higher power. I'm lost without you. I need you to enter into my heart now and lift it up. It feels so heavy, can't you lighten my load? I won't stray from my path this time, you'll see. I've made sure to burn all the bridges, nothing is getting through now. 

It's just me fighting my demons, alone, forever. I feel sick now. I wish I'd have a heart attack so I can actually rest. I'm not worried about burning out. I'm worried what will happen if I stop. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm going to work myself to death. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I try goes to hell. I can't stop this. I can't even stop feeling this way or saying all these things to myself. At least there is some comfort in knowing that I was able to stay in the mud for one more day. Even though I kept moving today and kept myself busy, I can feel the hatred growing within.

I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I ...... I want to go to sleep now and wake up when things are better. The way things are, there isn't much point in trying anymore. Perhaps I'll be happy if I went somewhere else and found some new work. What's the use though? I don't have it in me anymore to start over again. How many times have we lost already? Too many to count. How many times have we won?....... *sigh*

I've never won at anything my entire life. And they say I shouldn't call myself a loser. It's like a hot person saying that looks don't matter. I never could phathom how hard things were going to get for me. I don't even know what to say anymore. How long am I going to beat my head against the wall with this Frozen Music shit? I can't handle what I'm trying to do. It's too much for me. I don't know what I'm doing, but it's all wrong. It all feels so fucked up. I wish I could fucking get this poison out of me somehow. But instead I just wait. Just lying here, wasting away. Everyday I lose a part of me and forget it existed. 

One of these days, nothing will be left but an empty shell.