Don't Wanna SPIRE

Well I have to admit things are truly difficult right now. I don't want to do anything that I have to, and I'm trying to anyway, but no matter how much I try, I'm unable to do it all anyway. The internet keeps coming and going, my mind is increasingly unreliable, and it goes on. 

I'm writing this from my phone because of the internet issues by the way. Something has to change. I hate to admit it, but I can't carty on like this. I really wish I could. There's a certain sense of safety in feeling like this truly is it.

I wish I could forget my feelings, chart a course, and simply be on my way forever. I've always tried to be honest with myself here, if nothing else. First I was honest about how horrible I felt. Then I honestly admitted I'd rather stay in the mud. Now, having spent a few days flailing about, I have to admit that it's getting old, real old.

I like to think that these moments are litmus tests for the quality of my relationships, and other aspects of my life. I'm weak, fickle, and often difficult, but that's just the hand I was dealt, I suppose. What's important is to know who's in it for the long haul regardless of how much it gets.

I know I'm not worth it. That's why I don't blame them. Still, it's better for both of us if we go our separate ways. Anyway, it's time to move on now. And in that spirit, I shall now think and write about the things I am truly grateful for. 

For one, I love Cookie. Thank God for her beautiful kind soul. What a gentle angel she is. I love how my mom caressed my shoulder to greet me when she came home today. Certainly not easy for emotionally stunted and challenged people, I'm sure. I loved the little side hug I gave Neelam auntie today. How many months has it been since I was touched another human being willingly? 

So I'm glad those two are alive. I see dad struggling. He's clearly giving it his all, he's doing everything he can and more. I appreciate that, I really do. I'm grateful for this turbulent and lonely time, where I'm learning about myself and my limits. I learning how to handle loneliness as a whole. It's getting easier to reach out, I think, in some way or another. 

I love this new book I'm reading. Thanks to Robert Greene for writing this one, and to Swapnil for lending it to me. I gotta appreciate the internet, good journalism, and free knowledge as well. I found a video today by The Big Think on YT. It was about anti fragility. The man spoke about the SPIRE model that represented the essential components that happiness is made up of. 

- Spiritual: A source of deeper meaning and purpose. 

- Physical: Self explanatory? The man emphasised stress and recovery. 

- Intellectual: Deeply engaging with curiosity. Safe to say we've got this one covered. 

- Relationships: Spending regular quality time with people that you care about and who care about you. That one's a real doozy. 

- Emotional: That brings us to this one. Specifically, it's about cultivating the feeling of gratitude. The most powerful and transformative of all positive emotions. It's not only about accepting things passively, amd taking what comes but doing so wholeheartedly, with a certain rigor and good will. 

If you take care of each of these spheres of your life, it's akin to pursuing happiness indirectly. It's how you truly and sustainably cultivate a worthwhile existence. Not a place to arrive at, but a process to engage with, a verb to participate in. I'm glad about that video. It certainly helped me a lot. I want to bitch some more. How about a few more things before that? 

Well, clean drinking water, fresh air, warm shelter, and light in my eyes. Always appreciate that stuff. My heart is still going strong, rather impressive if you ask me. These heavy negative feelings of anger, disgust, humiliation, fear, regret, and all the rest, they certainly mean I'm still alive, that I can still feel pain.

It means that I'm not numb anymore. I'm experiencing life in its entirety, with all of its incredibly intense highs and lows. I appreciate that I've only seen the lowest of lows until now, they will prepare me for the wrost that's yet to come. I'm not courageous enough to believe in the next high anymore. I do appreciate how I'm not impervious to existence, though. That I'm not better than anyone out there, in any way shape or form. It's all just a matter of circumstances and such. I must appreciate that constant reminder. 

I suppose I'm grateful to know that I'm just a human being as well. I want to talk more about my problems, but I'm tired now. Tired of everything. It's time to sleep.