New Plan For a Fresh Start!

Well I'll be damned, would you look at the date? I reckon it's a great time to start writing here regularly again. The past year has been one full of failure and self-discovery. things have changed so much and me along with it. I no longer chase people or get emotionally invested in friendships. Instead, I rely on the couple of good friends when they are there, and manage things myself when they're not. Turns out I never really needed them in the first place, at least not as much as I thought I did.

You see, I had really fixated on that longevity study that tied good health to one's quality, depth, and frequency of social connection. I figured that was it, I even started a brand called Friendrily online to spread the word. But pretty soon after I started preaching, I started to feel weak as hell. You see, friendship is about connection, and that can require vulnerability. And you can only wear your heart on your sleeve for so long before it starts to bleed all over the place!

Another thing happened last year, as I turned away from the struggles of social connections, I started to focus more and more on myself. More specifically, I focused a lot on my mind, thoughts, and emotions this year. I didn't do much at all, but I did learn to calm my mind. As I regulated my emotions and really let myself go, while it did make me happy and content, it also drove to horribly abusive addictions. IG, YT, FB, even Goon Twitter, games, weed, porn, and food. I just went with the flow, all the way to the sewer.

And what did it get me? A metric fucking ton of enjoyment. Dope. No regrets then. What about my charred organs and fatty bod? No matter. What of my empty bank account? Of little consequence. And the time lost? I choose to see it as time gained. And btw, I don't bullshit myself into self-hypnotic practices and affirmations, I've tried that in several physical diaries and I found that it doesn't really work. I only care for the truth. That has been this blog's foremost guiding light.

Still, throughout the months and changing seasons, one thing happened for sure: I stopped pushing myself. Everything was so chill and stress-free, but where was the challenge? That's exactly what I missed the most last year: The Adventure. The thrill of tackling something that's beyond my abilities. The unbrindled joy of doing it successfully. The humbling, palpable, yet exhilirating growth that comes with failure. That is making a big comeback this year! 

I mean consider the alternative: get a no-brainer job that demands little of me (like 80% of mental jobs), try to score again and consume controlled dosages, try to do my things on the weekends, or leave them for later. But wait, I do need to get fitter to get a partner and so on and so forth.  So, either I put the enjoyment on hold and embrace a balanced lifestyle? Well why am I making it so complicated? Because that's what happens when you think in circles. Things go from bad to worse until they sipral out of control. The result? Burnout, failure, crash, deterioration, and setbacks. 

You end up feeling stuck and anxious and all of that. That's what the past year was for me. A hard choice between trying to do things in this ideal circumstances that I had imagined. I would rarely take on more than I can handle because I thought the key to long-term growth was taking it slow. Ultimately, I spend half of the time trying to "ease into it," without pushing myself and half the time letting myself go. 

And what of letting myself go? What that leads to is as inevitable as a matchstick buring to a crisp after being lit. Begging, borrowing, and stealing to get a fix, hording and eating anything I can grab and letting myself simply exist, I guess. That's no way for a man to live, it's a life of a glorified, extremely high-maintainence vegetable. Except that no one is waiting to devour me and I won't be harvested for over half a century. Quite a waste if you ask me.

So all that bucking gibberish means what exactly? I reckon that there is an infinite abundance of easily available joy within us all, and that we can pretty much choose to be like anyone else around us. Maybe that's why many people end up becoming their parents? It is easily one of the easiest ways to live. So even for me, I have the option to give up any number of my ambitions. 

"Screw comic books and animation, you know how hard that shit is? We can easily earn plenty of money online by building shady websites, after all, money is all that matters, right? Then, with passive income, I can indulge in any and all kinds of luxuries! Sounds fucking awesome! Let's pander to whoever gives us any amount of attention and call it love, and what about fitness? Well, they make all kinds of drugs for that nowadays! After all, I just need to get skinny, nothing more since getting laid is all that matters too. :D"

This reality is very much within grasp compared to the dream of becoming someone worth looking twice at. After all, as far as 80% people are concerned, I'm not. I used to think that my values, beliefs, and personality were all shaped deterministically. Any achievement of mine, won't be mine at all because of it. "I was born with a creative mind, and I'm bound to make a comic book or something." Well, maybe I believed that for my good heart and manners lol. I have realised in 2023, though, that this is the furthest from truth.

Yes, determinism is a part of factual reality, but I was hardly born anything other than a living being. And it is certain that one day, I will die. But, except for some of the broad strokes, everything else seems full of possibility, and that includes the choice to settle. We are capable of great adaptation and resilience, but it manifests itself in all kinds of crazy ways. I believe it's because people don't know what they want. So when they have the power to get anything they want, they just end up fucking themselves over.

Still, nothing stops me from slowing down and finding more joyful pleasure. I certainly doubt that I could forfeit from the race altogether while I am alive, and I'm sure there are many more breaks to come. But as of now, I'm happy to push myself to do more than I thought possible. To continue to broaden my horizons without cutting corners. This year I wish to embrace ambition. I want to show myself and the world that I can be obsessed with productivity, and still be happy. That I can be on the grindset while still finding joy. 

But more than anything else, I want to dive deep wholeheartedly in the direction my gut and my heart are pulling me toward. At the same time, I really do want to live in moderation as well. No excessive anything. A lil bit of thinking, meditating, worrying, wishing, praying, keeping faith, getting angry, masturbating, drinking water, eating right, eating wrong, fasting, binging, sleeping, and staying up, all in equal measure! No stress or hyper fixation, well, no more than absolutely necessary. Above all, a ton of living! 

Last night I had trouble sleeping while I laid awake in bed and stressed out over my parents' health and how I'll manage without them. I worried about my own health as well, and so many other things. Emptying my mind was what bought me peace, and I only did that by accepting these nightmares as reality. We can push, try, work our ass off, get lucky, do every damn thing perfectly, and still end up loosing. Once you embrace that fully and try shit anyway, life gets a whole lot better.

I did realize another thing while writing this, it's not that enjoyable to write about yourself. I find little to no satisfaction in making these entries. No body reads them, and they're hella boring to read anyway. I'm essentially just recording the things that are going on in my life, writing what I know. Kind of like data entry. Yet, I still love doing it because it's nice to record things for later. I'm practicing my typing skills and putting in my reps, that's satisfying in itself. I'd love to incorporate more high-minded things to practice here, but it makes no sense to impose it like a plan.

The whole point is that it's supposed to be on the path of least resistance. Some days I'll have shit to write, other days I might not. While I don't want to make a whole thing out of this, I would love to maintain a nice streak here. I guess I'm a little worried because I have so much else going on in my head. Tring to utilize my degree, exploring journalism, general curiosity, writing my own, working on my story, and trying to earn proper money. Plus all the things I have to do like sleeping, eating right, chores, drinking, reading, chilling, chanting, playing, and practicing skills. 

It feels like a lot sometimes, but as I wrote this down I could see how it might work our after all. To bring everything to a conclusion, the best thing for me right now, is to focus soley on my work, joy, everyday life (being present), and good health. With these four pillars, each day will be a smashing success just like today!