What's Difficult For Me

Once again, it looks like I have my work cut out for me. The process has not changed from last time; I have to write everything down from my mind as fast as possible and get it on to a page. The faster I can do that, I quicker I can get to actually working on it. Real writing is rewriting, because it takes the reading experience into consideration, and you can't read something that hasn't been written down. So I have to jot down all this shit in my head as much as possible.

Whether its a blog about food, sustainability, philosophy, art, self-improvement, marketing, business, controversial dark subjects, journalism, or psychology, a non fiction book, a ficticious story, or even a presentation/ digital marketing proposal, this process remains the same. For a thinker like me, it'll surely pay off if as I become better at this process of putting my thoughts on paper. One can always proof read, edit, polish, and refine, but without the ability to use the entirety of the mind to come up with novel, interesting, and useful ideas, you are very limited in your potential for creation.

So while I am thankful for my acceptable ideation abilities and keen eye, I'm trying to focus everything I have on the work in front of me. Things are starting to drag a bit once again, but unlike all the previous attempts, I don't feel anxious about burning out, or desparate to avoid it at any cost. I want nothing more than to keep focusing on the grand, beautiful ideas, while taking the boring, uncomfortable, and difficult steps that lead to success.

I've been engaged in moderate exercise and stretching regularly, and have been eating rigth for the msot part. I'm glad that I haven't been thinking about it or focusing on it, though. I've spent way too much energy fussing over results and optmizing that process. I am more than happy to just keep putting in this bare minimum, and let my health improve on auto pilot. I mean, I do need to sleep a bit better, I feel like the recovery is inadequate for the small amount of exercise I am getting. 

I am happy not talking to people, although I have been chit chatting here and there a bit anyway. The point is, that at this point in my life, I need to focus wholeheartedly on developing some impressive mental skill, and I mean to go extremely deep into this rabbit hole. Why not do one thing properly until you can honestly say you have a grasp on it? For now, I practice the inital step of mind to paper, editing on the go, and conceptualization while letting other skills improve naturally though my other work. 

This initial step of the writing process is by far one of the most visible and impressive-looking one from the outside, just in case I need to win some people over and prove my worth and potential as a writer. Of course, the truth is in the pudding, and I have trust in the writing process and my abilities for that. Allow me to propose an insane timeline, because its very thought makes me so excited. Grinding this basic exercise routine, menial chores, and journal writing process is difficult in a very particular way. 

It's boring, a bit mind-numbing, and might get a bit monotonous. The resistance I face with those might be coming from the addict in me that wants to ride the highs and dive the depths all the fucking time. In this way, it is definitely healthy for me. But my digital marketing project, the books I am reading, and a majority of the ideas I've mentioned above require me to actively engage my brain in a way that's excrutiatingly unbearable for me. 

They require my brain to hold on to multiple and precise pieces of information, analyse their meanings together, apart, and in different contexts, and draw conclusions based on this analysis. For reading, it's all about assimilation and connecting it to things I already understand, and for creating, it's still too complex for me to nail down exactly how I'm doing it. So, safe to say, these complex tasks require me to give more than my all, because I am nowhere near good enough to tackle them effectively as of yet. 

That's why I know that those are the things I really need to be doing and focusing on. Sure, I will get better with time by simply sticking to this basic schedule and praying for the rest or something. But I see things very clearly now, and I acknowledge the fact that if I start going easy on myself, I will most certainly slip and fall down. Besides, this is some pathetic performance. I need to do far far better than that RIGHT THIS MOMENT.

I can do far better than this weak ass shit in the first place. I know it, the universe knows it, God knows it, we all know it. So I really need to push and push and keep pushing further. I am excited about that and can't wait to bury my head again in that digital marketing proposal, in fact, I can't wait to start executing on it! Now that I'm starting to see things from the doer's side, I honestly think it's absolutely ridiculous how the mainstream advice is still to go easy on me and love myself or some stupid shit.

I heard Vishen saying that if you love yourself, you would work extra hard because you deserve all the best things in life, but that shit's white washed as fuck. If this is what he meant by it, he didn't do a good job at conveing it. In fact, doing justice to this idea is all about fucking courage, and for that you need a real threat, a sense of danger, fear, horror, or something like that. At the very least, it requires a certain raw type of honestly that leaves one feeling all scraped up and bruised from the inside. 

It's supposed to feel bad, you should hate certain things that you do. The necessary distinction here is to not attach your entire worth to what you do, but honestly, if you feel insecure about something, you're probably onto some kind of truth. I have a gorgeous junior named Preeti, and I once heard her say that she is unattractive. She is indeed far from it, but if she were to dig deeper into that feeling, I'm sure she will discover a sealed up portion or two of her mind that'll explain everything quite clearly. 

I'll have to say that's it for today. I aim to get some actual good sleep today and get some reading done before that. Tomorrow I truly start hurting my brain as much as possible. Thanks you Goggins and Huberman for allowing me to gain this invaluable perspective. Hell, I might even prefer to work a bit more on noting down my ideas before bed! Although that's generally a horrible idea since it lights my mind on fire and doesn't let me sleep....