Lean On Me

I don't feel like getting myself worked up. Sometimes you just want to relax and do nothing after a long, hard day. I'm learning a lot of things these days. It's making me very happy. Although I am also feeling a bit anxious about whether I should be more productive to provide for my family better. 

I worry about that. It just occured to me that we all want to do great work. We all want to get good at something and be helpful to someone. For recognition, reward, or the simple satisfaction of a job well done. What can be more comforting than that?

It's like you've found yourself a place in this world. Being good at something and getting paid well for it. That's the dream, isn't it? That's what it looks like to me. I'm happy today because I tried my best. I failed a lot and made many mistakes. But right now I can feel Mr. Denzel's message echoing in my head. "Fall Forward, " He says. Boldly and with great infliction.

I often feel guilty for having a good time and living my best life. Even now, this is basically everything I dreamed of, yet I certainly feel guilty. I should stop feeling that way, this really is the best course for me. I wish I would stop feeling that way.

I'm also trying to embrace myself more fully. Accepting my sporadic tendencies and oscillating habits as they are. A big part of relaxing is letting things go, and it's more important to relax now than ever before. So what if I missed a week of "progress"? Call it a welcome detour.

I might feel many things about it, but writing them down is hardly what I consider acknowledgement. It's more like fixation. A revelation visited me today as well. Pleasure sucks ass. Being happy about doing something properly, winning at a videogame, or sinking your teeth into a delectable piece of meat. All those things end up making you miserable.

But a spartan life is hardly an improvement. Doing hard shit supposedly makes your life easier later. Do hard things now and enjoy later. Except that you can't really suffer without being acquainted with true comfort. They're both sides of the same coin. Both feed into each other. Chasing pain is chasing pleasure, and chasing pleasure is chasing pain.

Which is not to say that the whole ordeal is somehow meaningless, it's actually a wonderful game. What an interesting way to make fun. A colorful and broad spectrum of emotions. So many possible experiences on countless different journeys. Yet, a traveler must rest in order to take it all in. Have you ever left on a trip when you're horribly tired? It's exhausting for the soul.

Friction is the real fuel behind burnout. That's why it's better to keep things as loose as possible. Whenever you choose to do something, it means you will engage with the world. This will always involve a roller-coaster of emotions. You can't play a game without being invested, otherwise there wouldn't be any will.

That's why I implore you to take breaks. Frequently and without measure. Empty your mind, accept everything into your heart, and breathe deeply. The silence is where heaven exists. That's what it means to take care of your self. Holistically and soulfully. No matter what happens today or tomorrow, I will make the best of it. 

No matter what's in store for the future, I can always lean on me. Right here, right now.